Running With The Devil
By William Miller
Wow we never thought we'd find you. Thanks so much for taking time to talk with us.
D'Hoffyrn: Not a problem. I'm all about the fans.
What have you been up to since we've last seen you?
D'Hoffyrn: A lot of nothing, to be honest. Some supermarket openings. A few convention appearances. I'm guest hosting next month on Talk Soup. And I'm doing some dubbing work for Digimon so that keep's me busy.
Wow. That's surprising. So your profile hasn't been raised in the demon community since your appearance on the show?
D'Hoffyrn: Y'know, love it or hate it, television is still the best way to reach a lot of people. The appearances have definitely raised my Q rating.
What's a Q rating?
D'Hoffyrn: Exactly, my friend. Exactly. Hollywood hasn't exactly been beating down the extradimensional walls.
That sounds pretty depressing.
D'Hoffyrn: It's not that bad. I'm fielding a few offers now but most of it is that reality-based television crap. They want to host this Survivor spinoff set in Hell, but I dunno. Why would anyone care? I live for the work y'know? Everything else is distraction.
Right. What attracted you to Willow as a good potential vengeance demon?
D'Hoffyrn: Good question. She's so cute that I hoped no one would ever suspect the magnitude of her power. She seemed pretty steamed when I first recruited her, but she's gone soft again and that's a little disappointing. Sadly, love kills vengeance, which is why I live alone. The offer is still on the table, however.
How did Anya rank among the vengeance demons you've worked with?
D'Hoffyrn: She was really great to work with actually. A lot of times you give these demons an inch, and they take a mile. But not her. Always professional, punctual, the whole bit. Those were the good times.
Why won't you give Anya back her powers?
D'Hoffyrn: It's a complicated issue. Let's just say unions are involved and well you don't cross the unions get what I'm saying?
Understood. Have there been any famous women throughout history who were actually vengeance demons?
D'Hoffyrn: Oprah's been an esquisite vengeance demon. Never in my wildest dreams did I think one woman could make so many men miserable with all that "getting to know your spirit" mumbo jumbo. Also, the Olsen twins. Remarkable.
What's the most nasty vengeance punishment you've dished out?
D'Hoffyrn: My favorites have always been more subtle. Let's just say that when Hillary gets the keys to the Oval Office, my greatest revenge will be complete.
Is Alanis Morrisette a vengeance demon?
D'Hoffyrn: Well, duh.
Enough of this supernatural nonsense, let's get real for a minute. If you weren't spending an eternity as a chaos demon, what would you be doing with your life?
D'Hoffyrn: My mother wanted me to be a rabbi. I considered going into real estate for a while and I used to deejay.
Deejay? Really? Okay, floor filler.
D'Hoffyrn: The Charlie Daniels Band. Man I haven't heard that song for years I sorta fell into this demon thing and I haven't looked back.
Other than vengeance, what is D'Hoffyrn all about?
D'Hoffryn: Honesty. Passion. Hair care products. I'm kidding on that last one.
What's it like in that empty dimension where you live? Are there any movie theaters or hot stands or anything?
D'Hoffyrn: It's kinda boring but not too bad. Eating is a big problem. There's a really great Thai place about two blocks away, but other than that you're looking at a three hundred year cab ride to get to anything decent.
What do you and those other demons talk about all day and night, for all eternity?
D'Hoffyrn: Lately we've been working on a suitable punishment for nosey reporters. Hey, where are you going? It's a joke. I kid because I'm a kidder.