2002-2003
Entry One
Giles has been so amazing. When he took me to England I thought he was going to lock me up in a dark dungeon and throw away the key since I would have totally deserved it. Instead he turns all Dumbledore and helps me through the worst time of my life. It is so peaceful here but the women in the coven are still afriad of me. It's like they think I'll turn them into toads or something. I have learned so much and I'm doing much better. Just taking it a step at a time. I wish that they could just take the magick away from me but it's a part o fme. Everything is connected. It was so creepty to feel the Hellmouth and its very sharp teeth. Giles thinks it would be good for me to go home but I'm scared. I don't know where I belong and I'm scared about facing the others. I just don't feel ready yet and I'm not sure if I ever will. I mean I tried to end the world and I hurt the people I love. I wouldn't blame them if they hated me and avoided me like the plague. I have to go back and face the music. As much as I'd like to just stay here I have to go back since there is serious evil brewing.
Entry Two
I got on the plane even though my stomach was in knots. They weren't at the airport and no one was at the house. I thought I heard the door but no one was there. It would have been nice to see them waiting for me. I fell asleep on the couch and still no siggn of anyone at all. I think I'll check the school to see if I can find Xander. I wonder if everyone is avoiding me. Well I guess he should be at work by now. How strange that the school is back and Dawnie is going there.
Entry Three
Still no sign of Buffy or Xander but I did run into Anya. In a way I'm sort of glad that I ran into her since it was easier to face her I guess since she's demony again. Spike's insane and living in the basement of the high school. I went to see him after finding that skinless guy. My stomach turned when I saw him. Spike made no sense at all. I had Anya help me figure out what was responsible for that death. I almost thought I did it but it turned out to be a demon. That was such a relief. That demon finding spell worked really well this time except for the little fire. Since I couldn't find the others I decided to go myself which wasn't the best idea. That demon started snacking on me and I thought I was all alone. Wow I made myself beyond invisible so that's why that spell said Xander and Buffy didn't exist. I was so scared to see them that that's exactly what happened. They didn't leave me. Buffy even helped me grow my skin back. Once the paralysis wore off it hurt like hell. It's good to be home and not alone.
Entry Four
Xander took me to Tara's grave. I can't believe she's gone. We had such a short time together and then we got back together only to have her ripped away from me again. Sometimes in the middle of the night I wake up and for a split second it seems like a nightmare but then I reach out and she's not there. She's really gone and I miss her so much. I wasn't sure if I could do it but I did it. Just another hard thing to do during the course of a day. I'm slowly easing back into the swing of things. I'm going to see if I can get back into school. I'll start off slow but I think it'll be good for me since I love the school thing and I do want to graduate.
Entry Five
It's such a shame about Cassie. Buffy saved her only to have her die because of her heart. So sad for this girl to die before she even had a chance to live. It's so tragic and all of us just feel horrible. Her poetry reminded me of the stuff I wrote about Xander only not so much about death. We're all going to the funeral and I'll pay Tara a visit. Buffy is taking it really bad because she feels responsible. She did what she could. It's not her fault that Cassie's heart gave out on her. She'll be great for the school since she can do so much good. I wonder where those poems I wrote about Xander are. It would be interesting to read them and take a trip down memory lane.
Entry Six
I made a little slip but I brought things under control. I was a bit mean to that girl but I did save her from that bug thing. Anya was responsible for killing all those frat guys. Sure it was heartless and cruel what they did to that poor girl but they didn't deserve getting their hearts ripped out like that. That was a bit extreme. I just really wanted to help Anya since she wasn't even enjoying the vengeance thing which is good because that would mean big trouble. Buffy came close to killing Anya but I'm glad she didn't have to. Anya changed things back but at quite a cost. I can't believe that Xander lied to Buffy. I just wanted Buffy to stall while I was doing the spell but he told her that I said to kick his ass. I wonder how Anya is. She really shouldn't be alone right now. On a bright note I'm back in school. It's good to be back there taking notes and doing assignments. I think I'll go see if I can find Anya.
Entry Seven
Well the good news is that Buffy didn't end up killing Anya which is a good thing. Hmm so Xander lied about the message I sent Buffy that time Angel was evil and trying to end the world. I could just kick him for that. What the hell is that about? Ok I'll forgive him since I've done a lot worse but the important thing is that she's not dead. I guess I kind of relate the most to Anya lately since we have the whole evil thing going for us and now we are trying to get on with this wacky thing called life.
Entry Eight
Ok now that was a bit disturbing. I should clean out my brain with soap for the thoughts I had. I just need to remind myself that I didn't know who it was when I was having all those thoughts. Bad, bad, Willow but Xand was thinking the same thing. Well school is going really well. Things are going pretty good I guess and it was sort of like old times just hanging out at the Bronze. I'll always miss Tara because she was a part of my heart and it was like a piece of me died with her but I have to somehow get on with my life. But I'm getting along since I know that's what she wants for me. I just miss snuggling with her at night and kissing her and her sweet smile. I've mad a habit of visiting her grave so I can be near her and I hope that she's watching me and listening to me when I talk to her. The hurt is still very much there but I think it's a little better. I just have to take it one step at a time.
Entry Nine
I can't believe I tried to turn that guy into a girl. That was one evil jacket. At least I wasn't the only one that acted like a total moron. It just felt so real which was strange with him being in a boy way. I'm just glad that Xander stopped me in time. I do wonder if it would have worked not that I'd actually go through with it. It probably would have worked but that's the kind of thing you'd get permission for. Well I better go start that paper so it's off to the library I go.
Entry Ten
Well I didn't expect the evil to pop up quite like that. I guess you can't rely on evil. It certainly knew how to get to me like salt on a wound. I was fooled for a while since I was so desperate to have some kind of contact with Tara. This isn't good because it knows us and knows how to strike. I thought I was doing pretty good but this just turned me inside out. I guess progress is steps forward only to be yanked back. This had nothing at all to do with Tara. So it's starting and it doesn't want me to use magick. Could that mean something? The magick is a part of me and it's not like I can throw it away. Could I be a threat to this thing? Nah since I can't really deal with the magick and try to avoid it since I don't want it to take control again and have me go all evil again since that was scary. I don't know since that whole thing really messed with my mind which is exactly what it wanted to do and knew how to do it the best way possible. Dawn had her own visitor Joyce or something that looked like her. It's like it pealed away the layers in our brains and gave us what we most wanted along with the whole terror thing.
Entry Eleven
So we've got a houseguest and not a welcome one at that. I'm not thrilled about it but we don't have much of a choice. It's just creepy and disturbing that this big evil can override his chip somehow. It is kind of sad and in a small way I sorta feel sorry for the guy. I guess because I was recently evil myself and he is a real mess. I can get the loss of control thing totally although I'm doing better. With this evil brewing I've thought about the very likely possibility that I'd need to do magick. I'm not sure if I can really trust myself not to go all black eyed baddie again. I've done small things but I know that it could come up since this evil is really well evil. But with all of us I'm sure we can handle it but I really wish Giles was here. We still haven't heard from him. Just my luck to go back to school only to have this happen. I wonder if I should even bother with all that's going on but I'm thinking I should since I'm finally starting to live my life and I enjoy school. So self that decision is final as of this moment since I would like to one day graduate and have a graduation without bloodshed and blown up buildings.
Entry Twelve
That's just great. I tried that spell and got possessed and it scared the hell out of me. That thing was inside me and I never thought it would leave. I'm so afraid that it will take control of me and make me do things that I don't want to do. The things that thing said to me just keep replaying in my head. There is no way I can do magick since it could take control again and make me do things since it did it to Spike. I don't want to hurt anyone. I feel really bad that I won't be able to help. I thought I could handle it but I so can't. I just hate that I'm letting Buffy down. Damn I just feel so helpless not being able to do anything. I'm just afraid that if I did magick I would make things worse which I don't want. Why can't I use all this power I have? It's just inside me sitting there totally useless.
Entry Thirteen
Dear Diary
I haven't been writing much in here what with all the craziness going on. I remember making that vow to write everything in here but that hasn't been going too well. More newbies have been showing up so it's getting pretty crowded. It's just so creepy that the first was in the house for days spying on us. At least Buffy was able to kill that uber vamp which was pretty darn scary. I'm just so glad that she's healing since it's slowed down or maybe she got more of a beating than normal since she looked pretty bad after tangling with that bad ugly. Maybe I'm crazy but I think Kennedy has been flirting with me. I don't know how I feel about that since this isn't exactly a time to delve into dating but when is it ever really. It's strange but I guess that one day I'll have to dip into the dating pool again. I don't even want to think about that right now. I did gain some confidence over using magick again. So that is a good sign that I'll be able to control things I hope. It was a step so I may be able to be confident and not listen to any dead people I meet. That's something.
Entry Fourteen
Dear Diary
I'm still a bit shaky on doing magick but I'm gonna try. Kennedy is still flirting with me. Could she really be interested? Am I? I'm just not sure since it would be like betraying Tara. I still have this fear that I'm gonna lose control which I don't want. I wonder if I'll always feel this way about magick. It's a part of me so I need to figure out how to use it without it controlling me. I don't want to go to that dark place again. I wouldn't come back again. It's so frustrating that I have this power sitting inside me that could be used but I can't since I'm scared. I just can't get what the first said about me killing everyone out of my head. I know it's just playing on my greatest fear but it's so true and it just sickens me how close I came to ending it all.
Entry Fifteen
Dear Diary
What a day! I'm just glad that I'm me again. That bitch Amy put a hex on me. Kennedy brought me back with a kiss. I just felt guilty that in that moment I forgot about Tara and let her go. The pain of losing her just poured over me and I felt guilty since I wasn't able to save her even though I know there was no way I could have. Sure I knew in my head that I would meet another girl but in my heart I wanted to keep Tara. I just felt like I was betraying here. I know that's what she ways for me but letting go scared me since it would mean that she's really gone. I like Kennedy and I do want to be happy again and in love. I just didn't think it would happen. She is so sweet so yes I'm gonna go for it. I'll always love Tara but that doesn't mean that I can't fall in love again. I'll just see what happens since this is a kind of odd time to start a relationship.
Entry Sixteen
Dear Diary
Things are going good with Kennedy. It just feels so good to be happy again. Just holding hands sends a thrill though me. Dating was done but all was not well since Xander's date was a vampire. He is such a demon magnet. I wonder if that I will it spell no he liked that bug lady and mummy girl before I cast that spell. Woods is such an improvement over Synder and he's good looking. One big plus aside from the pulse is that he was born in the same century. Well I'm off to take a walk with Kennedy.
Entry Seventeen
Dear Diary
I can't believe how happy I am. I've even reached a point where I don't feel guilty about that. I know that Tara would want me to go on and be happy. I mean I didn't think it would happen but so far so good. I'm so glad that I met Kennedy. In the middle of chaos a really good thing happened. Ok it's under the worst circumstances but I would have met her otherwise. I guess it was meant to be since the world will never be rid of evil. Weird how life is that I meet this great girl and death is around us. Girls have been dying so a part of me does feel guilty for being happy when three of the newbies have died. Things just keep draggin on and it's just frustrating that we have no idea how to fight this thing. I did get some disturbing news from Fred so I'm gonning to LA. Yikes Angelus is on the loose. Ironically he was the one that got the sun back there. I gotta go there and get Angel's soul back. I just hope that this is a quick trip since I'll miss Kennedy. I also have to get Faith who is out of jail well broke out. I guess we'll need her and I can give her another chance since I got one myself when I went all homicidal.